Your Worst Enemy Is Your Greatest Teacher

  It began drisseling around 8 or so this morning. I was up and had been working on some lighting designs for my company "The Ambient Being." I showed the designs to my fiance' and she said "That's gonna be to bright". Her tone and body language revealed her unconciousness instantly. I was immediately effected by her vibration and could feel the darkness surging through my veins. I reminded myself to breath, but somehow the anger was pushing pass my defenses. She could see my frustration with her and how her criticism was not constructive but crass and blunt. She then took to a defensive posture and tried to justify what she had said, but by this point I wanted to avoid the ensuing confrontation and leave the room before this spark became a flame that would burn down the house. I felt the urge to run. As I prepared silently for the run and gathered the things I would need, I reminded myself of the fact that unconcious people are not truely aware of their speach and conditioned responses. She was also having a difficult time getting her lighting system to work for her upcoming photography session and no doubt had been anxious about that. This would be Shawna's second attempt at this shoot for her client and was hoping for the best,so my lighting fixture drawing was understandably on the lower end of the priority scale.
   I was ready now for my run and had turned the kitchen corner and had run almost into her. She lovingly without words would usually block my path until I would be confronted with her, and she would have this smile that said "I'm sorry, now get over it". However, this time, she actually did the usual road block, BUT, she said the words "I'm sorry", and they were heart felt, and I knew it! I felt it within my being that she was not being sarcastic but genuine. "I got my lights to work"she said. She was now relieved that this ordeal with the lights was over and so was I. By the time she and I had this exchange, I was already pumped about running and said "oh baby, don't worry about it, it's ok". And you know what?....I meant it. The honesty felt amazing. In that exchange we were human, frail and loving. It was ambience taking a hold of a situation and breathing through it. Breathing through everything is the key to life. Every sound uttered requires a good amount of intake of air to produce a sound. Breathing,breathing,breathing and more breathing. Everything you need to know is in the breath, and most importantly, your breath.
   Now her brother, is a different matter altogether. A unique individual, smart, yes, at times funny, etc. However, he has been living with us for more than a year. The original agreement was two weeks. I think we both know how these types of arrangements turn out in the end. He struggels with alcohol addiction and we've been living with this "Dr. Jekel and Mr.Hide" personality for the entire time. To say that it was rough would be too generalized in my honest oppinion and not specific enough in order to convey the messege. It was the relationship that began a year ago and that ultimately lead to me walking away from the spiritual progress I had made, and slowly I began to regress in my trainning in the beautiful art of Mindfulness. To make this story short, I went through a very dark time in my life as a result of my fall. I gave into the fear that he would disturb my peace and so that just lead to frustration when he would'nt stop drinking. This just lead to more and more frustration which grew into bitterness, then anger crept in fast, and before I realized what had happened I had completely regressed to levels I was not even at before my period of powerful enlightenment, mindfulness of the present moment. Our time together had come to an end and I did'nt even realize it. The whole year I wanted him out of my home because "HE is the reason why I'm no longer a peaceful person!" and "He brings out the worst in people!" and so on and so on. The anger led to the blame game, and my ego loved being superior. I went through a necessary period of darkness to truely appreciate the light when it would return, and I always knew that it would return when the time had come and the lesson was learned. I was arguing with him even when he was not present! You know what I'm talking about. You are washing dishes and thinking about the big blow out days later and suddenly your heart begins to beat faster and faster and faster, and boom!...you are in a full on argument with this person and sometimes it even spills out into the open air and now your talking to yourself aloud! Sound familiar? We all have fallen short of the glory at some point or another, and perfection lies in the raising up from the floor when we have fallen down. I felt the time had come to let go of all the anger and hurt and bitter rage that was botteled up inside me and,....even say I'm sorry. I went for that run this morning. Nick and I had'nt talked since two days before Thanksgiving. Here we are december 4th, that's how long our grievience went. It was ongoing for the entire time he stayed with us. Our final blowout between him and I, I held nothing back but fired arrows of burning truth about all that I had built up inside for nearly a decade of knowing him. I was now standing on the porch, returning from a divine run and feeling amazing and blissful in the present moment. Coming from almost nowhere, Nick rides out from the side of my home on his bike into the slight drissel coming down now. I paused for a few seconds, gaging and thinking of how can I utter my first words to him in days. As he pedaled off down the drive way, "Where you goin Nick?" is what came out of my mouth, and it felt wonderful to speak to him again, and joy flooding back in to my being like blood to a torniqette apllied to a torn limb! He obviously shocked that I spoke to him caused him to mumbel a few words about running some errands and somethting about an apartment. "You need a ride?" I said truthfully and whole heartedly. This made him actually turn around on his bike in a the body language that seem to say " I appreciate the offer but I'm fine for now". He said he got the apartment he had been trying to get for some time now and that he was going to be out on monday. "Oh, you got the apartment? ..Cool". He quietly road off into the rain now, and I stood there and watched. Those words are what I thought I had wanted to hear come from his mouth all year long, but instead I felt such a powerful surge of electric humility corse through my body that my eyes gushed with tears like a punctured artery.I was stunned by my bodys emotional response and baffeled by the silence. No jumping for joy like those T.V. commercials you see. No laughter erupted from my belly like Santa. Instead, the pure truth sunk in. He was leaving, his lesson I had learned painfully well, HUMILITY. My teacher road away in the rain and I stood there,stunned,and in awe. My tears came down like a ruptured dark cloud filled with oceans of tears pouring out of my face. My worst enemy was my greatest teacher and he was now leaving. NAMASTE!